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The Last Time I Hit A Man
Guilty. Yes, I hit my husband. And I am ashamed to admit so. I watched my mother hit my dad. But I cannot blame her for my mistakes, anymore than I can blame my husband for provoking me. It was my own fault. The last time I hit a man was two years ago, in early spring. I don't remember what the fight was about, which is how it often goes. I remember the rage that welled up inside me and then I strode across the room to where he was sitting and popped him upside the head with my fingertips. It did not hurt him physically. But the reaction was there. I watched his face as it changed from shock, to humiliation, to blind fury and then controlled silence all in the time frame of about 5 seconds. He stared at me. I was still standing there, my anger not subsiding at all, but I was afraid. My husband is a big man. 250 lbs of muscle. He stood up, and said, "That's it, we're getting a divorce!" He grabbed his backpack (which is essentially his techie-nerd briefcase) and headed to the door. In my desperation, I threw myself in front of the door and sat on the floor, my arms around his legs begging him to please don't leave. Eventually, he dropped his backpack and sat back down on the couch. The anger was still evident in his face, but mine had long since left and I was now filled with shame. Days later, he admitted that he was still angry. It had not been the first time I had hit him. In fact, I hit him often while we were dating in high school. That day was my last. I resolved to never hit him no matter how angry I got. I still have trouble controlling my emotions. I cry and scream. It's a long journey for me, but I will never hit anyone--male or female--again. We are now in the process of a divorce, although my past violence was not a direct factor, I know it is in the back of his mind. A girl is never taught to control her emotions. We are taught that it is desirable for a woman to be passionate and emotional by the older generations, and by the younger generations, we are taught to be tough and fearsome. And then, you have those men who yell "Girlfight!" at the thought of two women fighting, hair and nails flying everywhere. And the first time a girl slaps her boyfriend in the halls after gym class (for being caught checking out some other girl or some such nonsense) she is cheered by other girls and shockingly by a few guys who thought it was cute. Well, it's not cute. Most men have gotten a clue. Most men have learned from early boyhood that it's not okay to hit a girl. Some men still do, but unless you're into something really kinky, it's not cute. Many men are gentlemen. I am forever impressed by a man who is thoughtful enough to open a door for me. I have made it a point to thank them by insisting on returning the favor. I am an intelligent woman. I am not afraid to say otherwise. I think that I as a woman is in every way as good as a man. I also think that men are in every way as good as women. I stand for true equality. I call to all women who want to prove their beyond-physical beauty, their intelligence, and their talents and work along side men as their equals, not wanting to squash them out and not wanting special treatment. I call to women who want to earn the respect of their male peers, not have it forced by the government. Women enjoy more freedom today than ever in the history of the world. There are some areas that still need improvement. But we need to give some of it back to our partners in this world...the men. Stop the fighting. Stop the hitting. Let's be friends.
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